


You Can Count on Me

by peanuts_envy



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Asterius temporarily is a baby because of Chaos, Babies, Baby Minotaur, Fluff, I do not even know how to tag this, M/M, Theseus conspiring against Zagreus with a baby, no listen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:42:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29765319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peanuts_envy/pseuds/peanuts_envy
Summary: Theseus hefted his spear up again and pointed it at Zagreus."No you don't, you worm. You do not get to slither away to the surface after what you've done.""I'm not fighting you!" Zagreus gestured tothe babyclinging to Theseus' arm."You willnotleave Elysium unless through me," Theseus snarled at him, defiant. The audience roared with applause."Oh, for--are you serious?" He was asking both Theseus and the audience. "He hasa baby!""His name is Asterius and you would do well to address him as such, filth! Now, to arms!"
Relationships: Asterius | The Minotaur & Theseus (Hades Video Game), Asterius | The Minotaur/Theseus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 157





	You Can Count on Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theslowesthnery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theslowesthnery/gifts).



> loool this is a prompt that @theslowesthnery wrote and they've also been doing [The Cutest art](https://twitter.com/theslowesthnery/status/1356415525136564225?s=20) of lil babby Asterius. I am just havin' a ball playing around in this space; I'm really evoking those goofy baby comedies/sitcoms tbh.
> 
> BABIES!

"Halt, daemon! You would dare pass through these hallowed gates to the surface? Asterius and I will not let you, _monster._ "

Zagreus rolled his shoulders, readying Chaos' boon. Zagreus grinned at Theseus, showing his teeth.

"Pretty please?"

Theseus made a strangled noise, readying his weapons.

_Theseus hated when the hellspawn patronized him or worse, treated him as an equal--he'd heard Zagreus was something called a "Gamma Warden", now._

_Did that outrank Champion? Could it possibly? How could this fiend hold a title of any kind?_

_Theseus hated him._

"To arms, you beast!"

"Oh, have it your way, then," Zagreus said casually, throwing something in Asterius' direction.

Theseus couldn't see what it was, or more accurately, could not perceive what it was. It pushed the space-- _air?_ \--around it, ebbing and waving in a way that made Theseus' vision blur. _Or the thing itself was blurry? Was there anything at all?_

The air expanded in a curious way--Theseus was sure he saw something circling Asterius. Fear and unease threatened to overwhelm him. He wanted to tell Asterius to run, but-- _from what? Could Asterius see it too, or was this a trick of Theseus' mind?_

Theseus saw Asterius' eyes dart around the space above him and terror cemented in his heart.

_What had this daemon unleashed upon them?_

Asterius vanished suddenly and Theseus shrieked. Somewhere far away, he heard Zagreus exclaim, too. The shades in the crowd gasped and fell silent.

_He was gone, only his clothes and weapon remained. This is not how it usually happened when he perished, this was--this--oh, gods--_

" _What have you done to him?_ "

Theseus was frantic and breathless, torn between wanting to feverishly attack Zagreus and horrified at what he was apparently capable of.

"I don't know!"

_Theseus would kill him. And then he would go to the House itself and kill him again. He would plunge Zagreus into the Styx as many times as it took for Theseus to feel catharsis for this sin against his very being, his soul--_

There was a cooing noise coming from Asterius' rumpled chiton.

_Oh, Gods. He'd transformed Asterius into one of the monsters that dwelled in the pits of Tartarus. He had turned him into some kind of horrible beast. He had done to him what Circe did to sailors, reshaped his body into a hideous, awful--_

An impossibly small form emerged from the fabric. It was decidedly not a beast.

"Asterius?" Theseus whispered, though he doubted Asterius would answer him.

 _A baby. He was a baby_. His eyes were the same and looked upon Theseus with recognition, reaching out for him. The audience of shades _awww'_ d.

Theseus was aware that Zagreus could attack him at any moment, but he found himself dropping his spear and shield to rush to Asterius. He scooped him up and held him close; Theseus felt a flood of relief that Asterius wasn't spirited away or turned into some writhing monstrosity. _He was still Asterius._

Zagreus started to approach them and Theseus pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Explain yourself at once, blackguard! What foul magics have you used against Asterius? Answer me!"

_'You'll be able to disarm the Champions of Elysium with a wave of your hand,' said Chaos, primordial deity and creator of all things._

_'Right, I get that--but what does it do?'_

_Dreamy, echoing laughter instead of a response._

_This was obviously no normal token, whatever it was. Zagreus rolled the thing in his hand. It looked like a glass marble with a swirling, very alive-looking energy inside--it pressed against the walls of the glass and Zagreus knew it was there, but he couldn't see it. But he could. Almost. If he looked at it sideways, maybe._

_'You really can't tell me what it does?'_

_'If you are asking if I am capable of telling you; I am, but the outcomes in which I do not tell you its nature are infinitely more interesting.'_

Zagreus looked at the fuzz-covered minotaur in Theseus' arms and Theseus' wild eyes. _Can't say 'I don't know' again, even if it's true._

_Nothing else came to him._

"I don't know," Zagreus said honestly.

_Should he help? Could he help? He should probably just go._

_He should go. He wanted to go._

"You don't _know?!_ " Theseus was screeching, working himself into hysterics. " _Look at what you've done to him!_ "

_The baby looked spiteful. Could a baby look spiteful?_

_Yes; Asterius was definitely glaring at him._

Zagreus was nervous that Theseus might still try to fight him, despite his circumstances. _Perhaps if he just started creeping along the wall, he could get away--_

Theseus hefted his spear up again and pointed it at Zagreus.

"No you don't, you worm. You do not get to slither away to the surface after what you've done."

"I'm not fighting you!" Zagreus gestured to _the baby_ clinging to Theseus' arm.

"You will _not_ leave Elysium unless through me," Theseus snarled at him, defiant. The audience roared with applause.

"Oh, for--are you serious?" He was asking both Theseus and the audience. "He has _a baby!_ "

"His name is Asterius and you would do well to address him as such, filth! Now, to arms!"

Zagreus took a deep breath and drew a hand through his hair. _He was just going to go back the way he came and have Charon take him home until this blows over. He was not fighting a man holding a baby._

"I yield the fight to you, fine, sure--whatever. I'm going home."

Loud boos from a few shades in the audience.

" _You can't just_ \--"

Zagreus backed away from Theseus with his hands up, turning around only when the iron door closed behind him.

Theseus was overcome with fury and confusion-- _was this also a trick?_

_He was trying to draw him out of the arena to attack him in a less direct way, like a snake._

Anger overlapped his fear, burned it away. _How dare he run--how dare he! Theseus would find Zagreus and see to his reckoning. He would not get away with this._

Zagreus was just outside the arena, speaking to the boatman of the Styx. He groaned when he saw Theseus approaching fast.

"Forget it, just hit me with the oar," he heard Zagreus say.

_Awful beast!_

"There is nowhere for you to hide!"

"Not hiding."

"I _demand_ to know what you've done to Asterius!"

"Hey, about that--" Zagreus pointed to Charon, "--big guy here seems to think it's temporary, but can't say specifically how long it should last. I guess mortals sometimes get quite old and their bodies kinda...wrinkle up, and this token reverses that--"

_He should have guessed. Another token from hell that does the unimaginable to torment Theseus specifically. What a horrible--_

"--and since he was pretty young, he got really young, right? So--"

_\--base, utterly inhuman--_

Theseus was trembling with anger; he wanted to lunge at Zagreus and send him back to Tartarus with his bare hands.

Asterius made a noise of unease that Theseus' attention snapped to, his fury towards Zagreus forgotten. The tiny minotaur was looking at Charon with wide, fearful eyes.

_Charon towered over Theseus. How must Asterius, who could meet Charon's eye before, feel now?_

Theseus was suddenly aware of how small Asterius' new form actually was. He seemed so fragile like this.

_He should have something to focus on, something less overwhelming than a chthonic deity and the open expanse of Elysium._

"Make yourself useful and buy something for him to eat from Charon's cart. He likes--"

Theseus hesitated.

_Oh-- He shouldn't give Asterius pomegranates. Or olives. Or grapes or raisins-- Oh, Gods._

_He reminded himself that Asterius was both a minotaur and unable to die from choking, for he was a shade and thus already dead._

Theseus had a sudden, dark thought: _if Asterius died, would he come back as himself, or like this?_

_Stop it. Nothing like that will happen._

He had another dark thought, turning his gaze to Zagreus.

_What if this pest was stomped out? Would Asterius return to him then?_

_No--it would be unsporting to attack him here. This monster may not have standards, but Theseus did._

Theseus pushed his looming thoughts away and focused on giving Zagreus orders, a more suitable use of his time and energy.

"--he likes cakes and figs, but nothing with nuts. And _fresh_ figs, not dried. If Charon has pears, get at least three."

"Are you kidding?"

Theseus narrowed his eyes and Zagreus rolled his in turn. Theseus' anger flared anew.

"I didn't think to bring my coin purse to the arena! I didn't think you would turn my _companion_ into a _baby!_ You have real nerve to deny me now, after all you've--"

Zagreus threw his hands up and turned towards the market stalls, grumbling to himself and to Charon.

Theseus shook his head in disbelief at the audacity--he'd clearly seen a crude gesture Zagreus made to Charon at Theseus' expense.

_He would not sink to the depths that blackguard wanted to drag him to. Asterius would have told him to let it go, so he would. For Asterius' sake._

Theseus turned his attention fully to the baby minotaur, familiar and foreign all at once. His horns were small and blunt, the once thick curls of his mane were now fine wisps, but his eyes were nearly the same. Theseus reached his hand out and Asterius grasped at his fingers.

"The boatman says it is temporary, Asterius. You will be comfortable in the meantime, we'll get you some food and I'll send away this poisonous daemon--doesn't that sound nice, dear Asterius?"

Asterius cooed softly, nodding at him. Theseus nodded back very seriously.

"It is not undignified to hold you like this, I hope? I must be honest, I don't think your legs have the strength for any other option," Theseus adjusted Asterius on his hip, looking at him with a slight frown.

"We will have to leave your axe in the arena. I will not have our fans see how I struggle to lift it. We'll retrieve it when you are well again."

Theseus made a face in Zagreus' direction, shaking his head.

"He is a blight upon us, Asterius. A stain upon Elysium itself we must wash out. Although I fear it cannot be today, not with how you are now," Theseus sighed and looked back to Asterius; his little hand was still wrapped around Theseus' fingers. A strong, strange emotion overtook him.

_Is this truly how Asterius looked when he first entered the labyrinth?_

_How--how could anyone have seen him as a hideous creature?_

_Theseus remembered the place where he first saw Asterius, imagined him there, like this--_

He was nearly grateful when Zagreus approached him, so he could focus on more understandable feelings: spite and anger.

"It's about time, blackguard," Theseus said, taking the items he requested from Zagreus without looking at him.

"So you're going to be okay if I leave?"

"What exactly do you insinuate?"

"Well, that's a _baby_ , and you're _you_. It's weird, though, you seem to know how to do this--"

"I had children on the surface, of _course_ I know--"

" _You?_ The same you or a different you?"

Theseus' lip curled in annoyance.

_He wasn't a bad father. What happened then was completely out of his hands. The gods had sought to punish him._

_Theseus had not thought about his son Hippolytus in so long, the feelings he brought up were too complicated and entangled. He didn't even know who would need to forgive whom at this point, or if forgiveness was even possible. Theseus had not looked for him in the Underworld. Though, he hadn't looked for his other sons, either. Demphon and Acamas surely resided somewhere in the Underworld, he simply--_

_The thought hadn't really occurred to him._

_\--Was he a bad father?_

_No. That was a lifetime ago; he was hardly the same man he was back then. Besides, what had happened had no bearing on his capacity to take care of Asterius now._

"I think it is time for you to _go_ , beast. I will not endure a moment more of your mockery of _me_ , a _Champion_ and _King_ \--"

"You're a real piece of work, you kno--"

" _Get out of here!_ "

Zagreus scoffed, reaching out to pat Asterius on his short snout. Asterius snapped at Zagreus' fingers, making him draw back with a gasp.

"Should have expected that, but--no hard feelings," Zagreus said. "See you, Asterius."

Theseus glared at Zagreus until he saw the boat disappear past the stone gates of the arena.

_At least the hellspawn brought him all he asked, despite being a heinous nuisance._

Theseus sat with Asterius out of sight of Charon and other lingering shades. Asterius could mostly sit up on his own, though he tipped into the soft grass more than once, his eyes following the powder-blue butterflies that floated above the verdant meadows.

Theseus unfolded the linen cloth that wrapped honey cakes from the surface, a favorite of Asterius'. _Were Asterius pious, Theseus supposed he would pray to Demeter. He so enjoyed breads and cakes from her blessed gift of wheat._

"It is such a fine day, despite this hardship we face," Theseus said, drawing his leg up and propping Asterius' back against it. Asterius leaned heavily into the crook of Theseus' leg and nodded. He reached a tiny hand out towards the cakes.

Theseus broke off a small piece and held it out to him--he could not gauge how adept Asterius would be on his own.

Asterius' hands were clumsy, but coordinated enough to grab the cake out of Theseus' other hand.

"Asterius!"

He munched happily on the honey cake. Theseus still held a crumb outstretched like an imbecile.

Asterius pointed at a pear, opening his hand wide.

"Let me cut it up, first. It won't do to have you return to the Styx because of a piece of fruit."

Theseus reached for his knife, which wasn't there. His immediate, irrational thought was that Zagreus had robbed him of it. _The fiend!_

_Wait--_

_No, he had brought it to Daedalus. The soldier Ajax had been showing off the engravings of his short blade, a fine addition to his weapon that Theseus wanted to replicate._

_He and Asterius planned to go to Daedalus' forge after the day's battle in the arena, however it ended. Though, this was not what Theseus had anticipated._

_They could still go, he supposed. Asterius is not unwell, he was just...afflicted._

Theseus almost asked Asterius if he could borrow his knife. _Of course. Uh--_ Theseus looked at the pear in his hand, feeling suddenly very thick. _How was he to cut it, then?_

Asterius reached towards the pear and Theseus pushed his hands away gently.

"I just think it should be cut, first. I don't mean to patronize you, but you're much too small, Asterius."

Asterius stared at the fruit in Theseus' hand like a cobra preparing to strike.

Theseus didn't notice, too preoccupied with how to split this pear a different way. _A way without a knife...?_

_He could do it with his hands, but he didn't want to deal with the mess--_

Asterius threw himself forward to bite at the pear, stem-first. He toppled over Theseus' outstretched leg in his exertion, leaving Theseus with remarkably little fruit in his hand and a baby minotaur flung over his knee.

"I see your manners were stolen along with your stature!" Theseus righted him in the grass and gave him the rest of the pear--he clearly did not need much help eating.

They ate cake and fruit by the riverbank and Theseus found himself oddly at peace. _It was not so different._ Theseus enjoyed simply spending time with him, sharing his space. _Even in this._

Theseus supposed they should go retrieve his weapon from Daedalus, as he said he would. _Perhaps Daedalus would even be amused, to see Asterius this way._

Asterius would not like to be paraded around Elysium nude, surely. Theseus eyed the linen cloth that had held sweets from the surface-- _he still remembered how to do this._

Theseus folded the cloth in front of him and picked Asterius up easily--such a novel concept--laying him onto the square of linen. He arranged the cloth to allow his legs and his tail to be free, securing the makeshift outfit with cotton twine also repurposed from the cakes' wrappings.

Theseus saw Asterius roll his eyes, he didn't know if it was a judgement on his folding skill or that he bothered with dressing him at all.

"Well I _assumed_ you would not like all of Elysium seeing your nudity. I see how you blush in the baths!"

Asterius babbled at him. Theseus felt odd having this mostly one-sided conversation with a baby. He shook his head.

"You have not forgotten we are to go to Daedalus'? I suppose you haven't, you were not robbed of your memories, after all. Then we will go back to our quarters and wait until this curse releases its hold on you. All right?"

Asterius nodded. Theseus hoisted him up and stood, holding him upright in his arms. He was no heavier than a sack of grain. Theseus wondered if this was how Asterius felt when he picked up Theseus.

 _Asterius could throw him hard enough to weaponize him,_ he thought, _of course._

"You know, Asterius," Theseus said, walking towards the iron doors away from the stadium. "This is not unlike a reversal of our bullhorn technique; you are as light as air!"

Asterius looked suddenly worried, hooking his fingers under Theseus' chiton at his shoulder and clinging to it.

Theseus saw his expression, and saw the few shades that overheard Theseus had the same concern in their eyes. Some watched expectantly. Another whooped.

"I'm not _going_ to," Theseus insisted, laughing nervously and raising his voice, "I wouldn't throw _a baby_."

Groans, murmuring from the crowd.

Theseus dipped his head and hurried away from the prying shades.

Theseus took the longer and less populated route through Elysium, uninterested in explaining why he suddenly had a baby to even his most adoring fans.

"I said I wouldn't have thrown you!"

Asterius looked incredulous and Theseus couldn't help but laugh. _He had seen Asterius give him this look so many times, and now here it is in miniature._

"Look," Theseus reached down to pluck some barley greens from the side of the path they walked. "A peace offering, dear Asterius."

Asterius grabbed the greens and shoved them into his mouth, now looking indignant at being so easily bought.

Theseus laughed again. _He knew this look well, too._

Asterius was dozing when they arrived at Daedalus'. Theseus was only mildly offended that Asterius had apparently been snoring, not making whuffs of agreement to Theseus' new and exciting chariot ideas. _Theseus would just tell him again later._

Theseus didn't knock, for it would wake Asterius, and Daedalus was expecting him.

_Daedalus was not amused, as Theseus assumed he would be._

"What have you _done?_ What have you brought here? Oh Gods, I beg thee! Have mercy on my wretched soul!"

"You're going to wake him with all of this noise!" Theseus hissed, clutching Asterius closer to him.

"You are a curse upon my existence!"

"How dare you, I am a paying customer."

" _What?_ "

"My _short blade_."

Daedalus looked at him, confused and wild-eyed. Daedalus was taking sharp, shallow breaths and trembling like a leaf, but he had stopped shouting.

" _What?_ " Daedalus whispered harshly.

"Asterius' affliction is none of your concern, craftsman. I am here for my blade--you sent word it was finished and I am here to retrieve it."

Daedalus stared at him, slack-jawed.

"You are a curse upon my existence," Daedalus repeated.

"Now how is _that_ supposed to make me feel? You know, you have real nerve treating Asterius and me like--"

Theseus was re-litigating the dust-up as he settled a sleeping Asterius onto their shared bed.

"I don't think I was in the wrong. He just started shouting, and I was reacting. Completely over the top for him to kick us out. A _complete_ overreaction."

Theseus sighed, happy to be back in their chambers as he was so exhausted.

"Oh, I do hope Daedalus will keep maintaining our weapons, Asterius. I have so many ideas for this chariot."

Asterius curled against his pillow, taking up a fraction of the space he usually occupied.

_Everyone was against them, especially on this day or night. So many trials, so many things to overcome. Truly them against the world._

Theseus got into bed, careful not to disturb Asterius, and Hypnos found him quickly.

\---

Theseus reached out, surprised when his hand touched solid muscle. He opened his eyes and smiled lazily, pressing his palm flat against Asterius' broad chest. _You're back._

Asterius stirred and blinked with sleep. He smiled when he saw Theseus, covering Theseus' hand with his.

Theseus leaned up to press a kiss to his snout, settling against him with a sigh of contentment. Asterius held him close, sighing too. _It's finally over._

Sleep took him easier than ever, as it often did in the warmth of Asterius' arms.

\---

"We are savvy to your tricks, fiend! The same hellish magics will not work against us twice!"

"Are you _sure?_ "

Theseus glared at him, though his phantasmal blood ran cold.

_What was to stop him from doing this every time? Theseus would ask Hades to intervene._

_No--he would do this himself. He would send him back to Hell before Zagreus got a chance to employ his underhanded, cheap attacks._

Zagreus quirked his brow at Theseus and Theseus bellowed with rage, lunging at Zagreus with his spear drawn.

It didn't connect, it was as if-- _as if the very air around Theseus was alive, moving--_

A tremendous weight fell upon Theseus and he was sure he was dying. He thrashed at his weighted entanglements, screaming with panic.

He could hear sounds of the arena still--thunderous, overwhelming noise--louder than he'd ever heard before.

_What hell was this? What had--_

He clawed to the light and saw the immense scale of everything around him, heard the crowd _awww._

_No._

_No!_

Theseus looked at his shaking hands and it was as he feared. He clenched his tiny, chubby fists and glared at Zagreus, who towered over him.

_You...fiend!_

\---

**Author's Note:**

> Dionysus (drunk, high): whoa man these are some trippy visuals man, Theseus is like, _really small_ , man
> 
> [twidder!](https://twitter.com/peanuts_envy)


End file.
